While i'm completely against dog fighting on every conceivable grounds, as an entrepreneur I can't help but be a little disappointed when I see economic and financial opportunities squandered. What i'm obviously talking about is the fact that the Humane Society has failed to cash in on the recent dog fighting boom. They've got all the raw materials: oodles of ill-tempered and potentially rabid dogs, secluded locations, trained dog-handlers, and Millions of dollars in private funding.

They've got all the promotional materials they need too. All those pamphlets on the horrors of dogfighting that depict mangled dogs and bloody concrete need only to be seen by the right crowd. If they just started handing them out at seedy bars, strip joints, and halfway houses, instead of at elementary schools and county fairs, the very same literature that once instilled utter shock and horror would quickly become valuable propoganda, creating buzz and palpable excitement within their target market.

Unlike mom and pop dog fighting operations, the Human Society has on-call veterinarians who could dress wounds and administer first aid, extending a lucky dog's career a good 5 or 6 months. And when the humane society kills a losing dog, it won't be "executing" it, like Michael Vick so visciously did, they'll just be "putting it down". They've already got all the tools they'll need to get the job done too, no need to improvise with electrocution, drowning, and hanging.

Regardless of the obvious moral implications, it's tough to swallow a missed opportunity as costly as this one. Talk about wasted resources, that's like if Colorado had decided that they were just going to use their mountains for spring water.

Posted by V.I.Pierce Comments

Curiosity killed the cat. But let's be honest, it's the 21st century, who hasn't killed a cat these days? Hell, even Michael Vick probably has more TKO's on cats than Curiosity as of late. Now, there's something to be said for specialization, but to make an entire career out of killing only cats? Being the cold-blooded killer that it is, you'd think that Curiosity would have a little more of a blood-lust than to be satisfied with the same old "Cat" and Pony show year after year. Everyone knows that you can only kill so many cats before that Christmas-Morning excitement starts to fade, and no matter how many ways you try and come up with to skin the cat, the magic is lost.

Curiosity can lie to you and me, but it can't lie to the economic Law of Diminishing Returns. Which, without getting too technical, means that curiosity is bored and getting hopelessly more so with each curious cat that bites the proverbial kitty litter. What curiosity needs, is a new demographic to prey upon. A particularly eligible candidate being, in my opinion, the guy who can't seem to mind his own business on the Subway.


What is it with people having to know everything i'm doing? Why do they have to see the book i'm reading, see what song is playing on my iPod, see what i'm jotting down on a note...? Like this guy today. Evidently, I was the book he just couldn't put down, and he wasn't happy just to judge me by my cover either, or browse the pictures. No, he wanted to read me word-for-word, highlighting and jotting down notes in the margin as he went.

I had a very small, let's say size 12, word written on my left hand, and he kept tilting his head and adjusting his glasses trying to read what i had written. Everytime I moved my hand to adjust my grip on the handrail, his head would follow, and when i put my hand behind my back to get him to stop, his head just craned around to follow it. It didn't seem to bother him that all the while I was staring blankly back at him with an expression that begged, "Can I help you?", or that i was relentlessly performing the macarena with my hand so that he couldn't read it. But by this point, he was so enthralled with this little brain teaser, and had committed so much energy to the endeavor, that nothing was going to deter him. Did this guy have such terrible writer's block and was so desperate for inspiration that he was stooping this low for material?

"C'mon man...I got nothin', nothin'! Just gimme a little peek at your hand..just a few letters?"


Sorry buddy, but unless you're publishing a Grocery List or a coffee table book entitled "To-do's of the World", you're not gonna find much inspiration on my HAND.

Incidentally, the word written on my hand was "FLOW". Now, don't wear yourself out trying to deduce what it might mean, it's cryptic for a reason. I don't like people reading things i write on my hands, which is why i don't write things like "hey silly, don't forget to feed mr. snuffles" or "remember to buy Laguna Beach season 3 on DVD at Walmart". I especially hate it when people spin their head around a full 180 degrees to see what's written on my hand, squint their eyes, and then read it aloud as a question.

Well, maybe I would owe you an explanation if I had written it on YOUR hand, but I didn't, I wrote it on MY hand. So don't worry about it; I'm the one who's going to get ink poisoning, not you.

Now, if I had written "Ask Me About" above the note, like one of those buttons that grocery store cashier's wear, then I would only have myself to blame. Or if I had screen-printed the note on the seat of my pants, like those pants that girls wear. I mean, those are just begging to be read, and read again. But people don't even ask the CASHIER'S about "discount days" or "our banana sale" when they DO wear those buttons, so why then do they ask me about what's written on my hand when I clearly have given them no reason to believe I would like them to do so?

You show me one single cat that deserves to have Curiosity knocking on its door more than this guy on the subway, and I'll skin that cat myself. Maybe like Danny Glover, Curiosity is just "getting too old for this sh*t". I mean, look at Curious George. How on earth has he escaped curiosity's vengeance all these years? Call me Ishmael, but you know he's just gotta be Curiosity's White Whale.

Maybe the job is just too big for one poor noun to handle. If Curiosity could recruit some help from the likes of other nouns such as Voyeurism and present participles Meddling and Snooping, I have no doubt that we could see the death toll rise to levels we haven't seen since Pandora lifted up the cover to peak inside that magical, little box.

But the problem with words is that they're lazy sons of bitches. They'll kill one day and then take the rest of the week off to play Mad Libs. I guess we're just going to have to accept it that "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never harm you..."

unless you're a cat.

I can't believe Curiosity is just going to stand idly by and let this happen...

Posted by V.I.Pierce Comments

Walking down the streets of Boston on a warm summer's day, your ears will be greeted by a soft jingle jangle, warmly reminiscent of the holidays...but no, it's not Santa Claus gliding down Boylston street...it’s legions of homeless, all shaking coin-laden Dunkin' Donuts cups in unison, like they’re all part of some city-wide Bum's Bell Choir.

For being homeless, it sure seems like they’re never comPLETELY broke. They always seem to have at least enough coins to drop into a paper cup and turn the city streets into a gauntlet of hobo musical delights. Is it perhaps their hope that like Pavlov’s dogs, I’m just going to pull out my wallet and start uncontrollably dropping money wherever I hear the sound of change being jingled? Was it that too many homeless were losing their voices from their repetitious mantra"spare any change?", and so they decided to switch over to the "home"-made "money-maracas" they currently use? Or maybe they just decided:

When I first observed this behavior, I saw people who was too lazy to even beg for change, simply resorting to brutish grunts and feeble gestures. But upon closer consideration, I saw something more. These brave men are pioneers, entrepreneurs, out there shakin' what their mama gave 'em (albeit an old coffee cup). They've thrown caution to the wind and they've gone prospectin' for gold, but not in some creek in the hills of California; they're much too social to be chasing their fortune into the desolate wilderness. Nay, their plots are located in the hearts of our busiest cities. Where others see a sidewalk and a milk crate, they see opportunity. Where we see a garbage bin full of bottles and cans, they see their fortune. It’s a sad statistic, but approximately 90% of street corner hobo businesses fail withing the first five years. The majority of those have simply never learned the importance of bankroll management, simple bookkeeping, or supply and demand.

Is there some point in the day, when they’re just starting out, and they don’t have any coins in the cup? Are they just out there shaking an empty cup back and forth? I can’t imagine that’s nearly as effective, so those first coins of the day must be really important! They set the stage for all the other money to come pouring in. I bet the responsible ones save a few of their coins from the day before, so they can start the morning off right, with a proud jingle. Much like a gambler’s bankroll, that carefully chosen seed money will be the base from which any vagrant will hope to build his fortune. It’s just further proof of the old adage, “you’ve got to have money to make money”, at least a few pennies and a nickel, that is…

It’s a delicate balance too, to get just the right effect. You can’t have too few coins, because how much attention is a single penny in a styrofoam cup really going to attract? And you don’t want too many coins, because if your cup is full to the brim, you’ll be spilling change all over the street with every shake, and still won’t be making much of a ruckus. So there’s a happy medium.

The funny thing is, it’s a double edged sword. They want as much money as possible, but what if everyone just gave them dollar bills, or wrote them checks? They’d have nothing to jingle. Would they go to the store and get change? “I’d like allllll quarters, please”. So they rely on your change; just enough money to keep them in business, but not enough to literally “shut them up”…

Where did they learn this behavior? Do the homeless really possess such ingenuity as to conceive of such an advanced strategy themselves? Of course not, or else they wouldn’t be home-less, they’d be home-more, and they’d probably have cars, too! I think it’s fairly obvious who’s to blame. Our friendly local chapter of the Salvation Army.

The Salvation Army first employed their handbell-armed assault on our eardrums back in December of 1925, and it was so effective in coercing strangers into surrendering their cash that to this day, like clockwork, as soon as you feel a nip in the air, you can expect to start wearing earplugs whenever you leave the house to go shopping; they’ve been going strong for 85 years. And do you think the homeless were blind to their success? Who else would be more concerned with the latest methodologies and technologies for scoring loose change from passerbys than the homeless?

Like it or not, the homeless are evolving, and I think it's just a matter of time before they start employing some even more succesful strategies from other high profile "beggars". Before you know it, they're going to be hopping door to door like the Jehovah's Witnesses, sending out junk-mail like the World Wildlife Fund, and scoring TV spots like the Adopt-a-Child foundation. We'll know they've really progressed when we see a check box on our state tax return that says:

■ I wish to donate $1 of my tax refund to Earl, the bum who sleeps outside the Kinko's Copy Center and makes animal noises at people when they walk past.

Ol' Earl is part of the lucky 10% right now, but the panhandling profession is a cruel mistress; he could be out on the streets by tomorrow....oh, wait...

Posted by V.I.Pierce Comments

To those who walk up the left side of the escalator, while we stand on the right side, looking on, we're all very impressed at your refusal to do things the easy way, proudly distinguishing yourself from the feeble freeloaders on the right side hitching a ride like a school of remoras on a tiger shark. As we watch you burst through the white tape at the top, arms spread wide, face pointed to the heavens, tears streaming down your face, we can't help but wonder what it must be like...if only we'd had your steel determination, maybe that could be us...

Sure, walking up the escalator will get you to the top slightly faster than those riding and those walking the stairs. But contrary to what someone may have shouted at the bottom, or what you may have thought you heard someone whisper to someone else, there's no money-prize waiting at the top; there's not a helicopter up there waiting to whisk you away on an aerial tour of the city's nude beaches. You've got to walk out of there on the ground just like the everyone else, so you might as well take a note from the rest of us and conserve your energy. You're already getting a free ride to the top, isn't that enough? Is your schedule really that tight, that seconds saved on the the escalator make all the difference in your day?

"Gee honey, I don't know if i'll have time to pick timmy up from school today...but mayyybe if I run up the escalator at work, I might be able to squeeze him in..."

Nathan Ames would turn over in his grave if he could see your behavior, he didn't spend his life inventing the escalator so you could just slap him in the face by walking up it...

"Oh hey Nate! What? You invented a moving stairway? Oh, well i'm just gonna walk right up it, like it was regular stairs, whattaya think of that, huh?"

Walking up an escalator is really the same as driving your car down the freeway, opening the door and sticking your leg out to help push... You don't see people climbing through the escape hatch on elevators, so they can shimmy up the moving elevator cable, dive to the platform on their floor, pry the doors open and sprint to their office. So why this flippant behavior on escalators?

I think that good ol' Nathan Ames could really begin to see the decline in the degree to which society took his invention seriously with the advent of the StairMaster. To all these urban sweat-junkies, what is an escalator really, but the world's largest exercise machine, and yet another chance to burn 10 calories. What they've done with the StairMaster is despicable. They've taken a once great, noble machine, whose only purpose was to ease the burden of mankind, and fashioned from it, a twisted instrument of pain, whose only purpose is to increase the burden of mankind.

"Hey, there's a moving staircase that can carry us effortlessly to anywhere in the world! Let's use it to make ourselves sweat!! Yayyyy!"

When the Germans brought spoons and forks to the Chinese during the 4th Ming Dyansty, the Chinese didn't grab two spoons, hold onto the heads and use the handles to pick up clumps of rice like they were just metallic chopsticks! No, they realized the genius of silverware, and used it for its intended purpose. They were eating huge bowls of ice cream, twirling spaghetti, and spooning in their beds before the day was over.

All rationalities aside, there's no room on this moving stairway for ambitious go-getters and show-offs like yourselves. Leave the escalator to us lazy, humble simpletons. Let us be in peace, without further fueling our guilt and self consciousness about our general malaise towards life, and especially towards the manual ascension of heights. If you want to burn some calories, take the stairs...

You certainly won't see me walking up an escalator. Heck, i'd be laying down on the thing if I wasn't worried i'd get my pant cuffs caught in the side and get sucked in.

Final Thought:
In all seriousness, I think this problem with escalators is simply a microcosm of the real trouble with the United States. People just don't take time to relax, to enjoy their surroundings, to enjoy the simple luxury of being carried up a flight of stairs. They're always in a hurry, always impatient. Life is too short to be bounding up escalators. I just hope you don't find yourself walking up the escalator of life, only to find you got to the top sooner than you realized...

Posted by V.I.Pierce Comments